Monday, March 30, 2009

april is arriving in one day's time. another month has gone by and i've yet to settle down.

the wait is excruciating. it feeds on my happiness and joy, killing me day by day. my heart is left (not at outram park) in the cold after being rip-opened.

jus as the smile is fading, there is some unknown forces bringing the two eyebrows together. laughters seem so distant to me now. suddenly, my cheeks are burning hot. my vision is blurred. what is ahead of me, i cant be sure.

i need to be strong. people always say that you have to go through the dark before you can see the first ray of light. that's the darkest moment. i am struggling to see the light. i have to fight the darkness and brave through the storm.

anyway, thank you so much to those who have been reading my blog to get my latest, making sure i'm alright. i'm lucky to have so many concerned friends. =)

honestly, i'm not. everyday is painful, so stressful. sometimes, tears can just well up. but somehow, i manage to control them. oh well, i know it's not very smart but i'm just not used to cry in front of people. sometimes, i guess i've just have to learn to share my feelings verbally, not by blogging it.

emo is my middle name.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

i'm tired, both mentally and physically. all i know is i'm really exhausted.

went for the head over heels run yesterday morning and i completed the 8km. it's some sort of achievement because firstly i've never joined any race before. secondly, i managed to finish jogging the 8km without stopping. though to those who are veteran runners, 8km is no kick. still, i'm so proud of myself (haha!).

i finally knew what is determination and the sense of achievement. when you're tired of running, you will feel like stop. to prevent yourself from giving up, you got to be strong in your mind. you have to keep encouraging yourself. i remembered the last part of the race when we had to run round the cable ski, i started cursing (wah, f*cking big round!) in my mind. but still, with self-determination and having someone beside you who didn't give up, it makes you, or rather me, to run with him. so we went round the cable ski and that was at the 7th km. a few minutes later, i saw a banner getting bigger and the words on it getting clearer. start/finish was written on it. oh my gosh, at that moment somehow but you dont know how, somewhere but you dont know where, you had more energy to run a bit faster. and finally, i finished the run. it's just so darn cool!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

WARNING:
the following blog post is vulgar. to those who havent hear them before, you still cant hear them. just read on. to those who doesnt like me scolding vulgarities, too bad! just close your window or navigate away from this blog.

i'm blardy pissed now. what is the hell wrong with you?! why didnt you just farking share your thoughts and feelings? i'm jus freaking tired of fishing things out of your mouth. you can happily just get those farking information out of your mouth to others but not me! are we still family? why are you keeping things away from me? if you guys want to know, why dont you just come straight to my face and ask me?! since you guys dont want to come and ask me, i will not tell you guys either. i hate messengers! so dont farking get a messenger and think that i will tell her who will in turn pass you messages and information.

by the way, how many times must i repeat myself. stop farking sharing my things with others! i've already mentioned this to him and why didnt it just get into your farking brain. just freaking brushed them off. i hate to be the topic now, can! fucked up manz!

to those farked up people, if you guys want to know what the hell wrong with my screwed-up life, just come and ask me. stop poking your nose around and blardy transfer information like that. i really hate it! honestly, totally disgusted about it. as of now, i feel like telling you guys to farking live your own life and mind your blardy own business. screw you! this is not showing concern lor. it is freaking busybody alright. for your information, my surname is FANG and not yours. so please dont come and claim that we are one family, okay. we are family but not immediate family memebers, mind you.

second issue that really pissed me off. really, just fark off! why is it always this period of the year? if you just blardy live your own life, shut the fark up and leave us alone. the sight of you people disgust me. i hate march and may. just farking get out of my freaking life!

i'm giving him face for now so i suppress my true feelings. come to think about it, he knows i hate you busybody. but i really dont farking give a damn. dont go overboard else i will really make you guys shut up one fine day.

trust me.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

This is a loooong blog. Please spare some time to read because it is really worth the read till the end....

MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said "I've got something to tell you." She sat down and ate quietly. Again, I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But still, I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "why?"

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "you are not a man!" That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger.

I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me, her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions... She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain.

From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

One morning, she was choosing what to wear. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, "Dad, it's time to carry mum out." To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, "Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore." She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. "Do you have a fever?" She said.. I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more."

Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
i'm starting to feel pity for the kids.

i went swimming yesterday morning. it was crowded since there were many primary kids and senior citizens (haha..find myself so out of place). well, there were a few youngsters lahz. when i was resting by the side, a group of young kids, at most primary 4, sat beside me. The swimming coach was teaching some starfish style. she wanted to do a demonstrate so picked on this particular boy. as we were all in the deep pool, naturally there would be some phobia. unfortunately, this female coach wasnt very nice. when the kid had already expressed his fear, saying "i'm scared." she shouted at him and said "down!" obediently, the boy did as what he was told.

poor boy! i think the coach is very mean. i'm not implying that she should just not let the boy demonstrate. i feel that she should at least reassure him that she is there to lookout for him and he can be sure that she will keep him safe. shouting at him makes him more frightful. so horrible of her!

i would rather buy my kid a swimming float than engaging such coach with no compassion. haha..i'm just kidding!

no plans. no plans. no plans. run! dance!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

wow, i havent update the blog since last Sunday! been a hectic yet fun week. two major events happened this week.

first and for most, it's damien's bday week.


c-towners, or rather his Marc Jacobs and poker kakis, held a birthday celebration for him at dblO. it was fun (minus the... ... yarps, haha!)

i am not very good at buying gifts so i bought him Mickey Mouse bedsheets (strange right!), beer mug and made him a video!

the second event that happened this week was Sheares Production! this year was even better than last year cos at least when i stayed up late, it's not for the fact that i had to count and tally the money. it was cos' i wanted to keep myself awake to watch definitely maybe and socialize with the rest of the exco.

i'm so glad that this year's production is over and elated that it is a great success. on the contrary, it marks the end of my hall life. thinking back, i guess i've never regret staying in hall because that is the place where i meet my caring neighbor, my travelling buddies and damien.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

joined the guitar hero world tour challenge with kk and qi. it was super fun yet embarrassing. we kept failing because we were kinda tone-deaf. eh...probably it's just me lah. haha..i cant believe it! i must learn guitar. *hint hint damien, please do your job well this holi (haha).then after the challenge, we went to play wii. looked like kk and qi havinglots of fun playing tennis. and qi served. kk always win us. argh! he kept boasting about his skills and that he played the real tennis. alright, fine! whatever! hurray, you win!after that we went lerk thai. i finally get to eat my salad! yay! after multiples of self-phototaking, i concluded that my skill deteriorates. kk managed to take the best photos (among my lousy ones) while he was chatting on the phone.
the service not bad actually. the waitress offered to help us take picture. oh, hendry. now you are the missing one. bleah! get a life and stop doing project on Sundays. it sucks!
anyway, i think kk is going to hate me. but still, i believe he will forgive me de right. we are the same kind of people - zhong se qing you. haha..okay okay, i shant rub into it. hope you have a great trip..erm i mean, training in taiwan. i try to save up and go find you when u're at taiwan. haha..if i save =)

sianz! didnt get to go IT fair. wanted to check out wii and buy there. so many things i wanted to buy. now have to wait till june. *yawns! okay lah, i shant complain. at least it's a good excuse to distract me so that i wont overspend.

hmm..come to think about it, i think i've been very "thrifty". i've such a screwed up mealtime recently. on one night, i can have my dinner at 9plus pm. the following day, i only had one meal and that's dinner. sometimes, i can either take my lunch at late noons or totally forget about my lunch.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

i just realized i've been quite indecisive these days. suddenly, i feel so lazy to decide where i want to go, what i want to eat when i'm with him. the worst was sometimes i couldnt even decide whether i wanted to go home or not. how amazing!

guess it's not that i'm indecisive (haha..is that a self-denial statement?!). i think KEXI IS A GREEDY GIRL! she wants the best of both world. she wants to spend more time with him, yet she wants to be at home to accompany her mom. oh gosh, what is happening?!

she finds herself silly these days. the worst was once when she was swimming halfway, she suddenly smiled. well, it's not that sudden, just the thought of meeting up with him the following day made her smiley all day.

but sometimes she's really crazy. when she met up with him, she would find something to bicker with him over..erm..unknown reasons. then after that, she would regret for being so..okay, never mind about that.

i guess the problem with humans is that we tend to remember the bad and take the good for granted. we should, or probably it's ME who should learn how to appreciate the good in him and express my feelings better.

nonetheless, i'm very grateful that he is still with me.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

totally impressive!

i feel that i should give a pat on her back and tell her that she has done me proud. very proud, indeed. it is unquestionable that she has reached the heights of her tolerance and patience.

she used to flare up on whatever things didnt go HER way; snapped at whoever stepped on HER tail. sometimes, even i feel that she is kind of DEMANDING and UNREASONABLE. but this time, she plays it cool. i think it is really a wise choice to walk away, simmer down before looking back at the firestarter again. at least, when she comes back, she talks with a rational head. i believe that when one is really at the top of his or her anger, nothing goes into their head, let alone processing the facts correctly.

all she wanted to do is to know all about his thought and feelings after the HORRIFYING EVENING. but i guess he finds more comfort in Marc Jacobs than her.

for Marc Jacobs, he brushed her off with a couple of words. for Marc Jacobs, he cant wait to hang up on her. for his Marc Jacobs, she put up with all these. she really dont understand; or rather, she will not be able to understand. but perhaps the day will come - the day when she, like him, falls in love with Marc Jacobs.

writing therapy IS indeed a really good way to avoid fire fighting, says Kexi. *wink

Saturday, March 7, 2009

ran again. i realized that it took longer to recover today. still, i was proud of myself cos' i managed to ignore it completely.

swimming tomorrow morning.

Friday, March 6, 2009

last night was fun! we (yarpz! just the two of us ^_^) went to wala-wala.

the band that was playing last night was The UnXpected.



i was very impressed with the lead singer, shirlyn tan because she sings really well. she has a very strong vocal and i like her style. hmm..a bit rebellious, punky, emo..just that she carries herself off very well. ooh, did i sound as if i've lesbian tendency..hmm..

anyway, pictures pictures pictures, damien...keke =)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

there is really something called 'writing therapy'. it said that the act of writing and processing the written words helps one gradually eases the pain and strenghten the immune system.

i hope blogging helps me.

honestly, i'm depressed almost every day. the thought of waking up in the morning is quite tiring. i used to believe that tomorrow will be a better day. now, i just pray that my ringtone will sound off and that the person on the other end invites me to an interview. anticipation is killing me!

sometimes, i really feel dejected and rejected after interviews. it's not that i never do my homework. seriously, i really dont know what they want. when you have a degree, they will think that you're fresh in the society. on the other hand, when you are a veteran in the society, they think that your qualification is too low to match up to the job. nothing is perfect in this world. if there is, then there will not be demand and supply. no more invisible hand..erm..perfect competition?!

my mandarin is lousy. i cant even express myself in proper sentence. shucks! i'm screwed.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

i went jogging in the evening after we had ended the 7-minutes phone conversation.

the jog was great! i finally learnt what determination is and unexpectedly, i discovered something new about myself.

some negative thoughts are just in your mind, playing you out. like whenever i jog, there will always be cramps after certain distance. sometimes, it was so painful that it forced my brain to tell my legs to stop jogging. today, my determination was strong. i totally ignored its presence and continued running. due to the lack of attention, the cramps gave up and cooperated with me. so, that's how i completed my 5km. yay!

i'm so proud of myself because this is the first time, i did not succumb to cramps (though i did slow down a little). i guess it's because of my determination and belief. i set myself to run 10 rounds of 500m in the park, which i did. =) however, my timing for 5km today wasnt fantastic at all.

NOTE: i used 'today'. that means, the next time i run, i must improve that freakin' timing lahz! hmm..or maybe i should aim to run 8km next time and see how w.o.l.s i am..haha..

Monday, March 2, 2009

yet another week and this is the first week of another month.

suddenly, this song just came into my mind.

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had it's say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
And all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't want to lose the love I've found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don't let me down
It's not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?
And all I know is
You got to give me everything
And nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have
And all I know isYou got to give me everything
And nothing less causeYou know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

(Give you everything)
(Give you all of me)

the weather is odd these days. i feel the difference and changed. these days are cold, just like you...

...but still, i love THE COLD WEATHER.